Monday, September 25, 2006

An important discussion about racism (etc)!

Well, aloha, folks!

After last week’s example of the kind of hideously malformed brain that disagrees with the ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ agenda, we’ve come to a very serious point. It’s as serious as Cancer! [The most serious of all the star signs.]

I’ve recently been inundated with emails from readers who are keen to BRAG about how good they are at hating things. Unfortunately, these all tend to be of a fairly ‘race-related’ nature. And when I say ‘race’, I don’t mean the London Marathon! [Note: In some circumstances I may be referring to the London Marathon when I use the term ‘race’. It is also possible that I may be referring to other sporting events, such as motorsport, power walking, greyhound running. My lawyers have informed me that the onus is upon you, the reader, to undertake the requisite research to establish the context in which the word ‘race’ is used. RACE!]

For example, here are just some of the racialist phrases used in these emails: “I’m so good at hating stuff, I hate all Chinamen”; “those honkies can eat my booty”; “all Eskimo are scum”; and “I hate all people of Madagascan origin”.

To be honest, I’m APPALLED when I read these emails. I must emphasise this point: Racism is the lazy person’s hatred!

It really is. If you have learned one thing from HYWTH, it is surely this: hating your way to happiness takes work! Simply hating someone for the colour of their skin is as bad as liking someone for the colour of their blood. It makes no sense!

Successful hatred HAS to be tailored to the individual. Certainly, this can encompass physical appearance – but use your critical creativity! Hate someone for the way their loose fitting skin emphasises their unkempt knees. Hate them for their choice of genital piercing. Hate them for their unusual gait. But racism is cheating, because it requires no effort on your part whatsoever!

Many of the same things can be said about sexism, although this applies to a person’s gender rather than the colour of their skin. It’s IDLENESS of the HATRED GLANDS!

So stop hating people for the wrong reasons, IDIOTS! If you get with the programme and put your hate drives into constructive mode, you’ll be roaring up happiness highway with the wind in your stupid hair before you can say: “HYWTH saved my life! I owe you like a million bucks which I will pay in monthly instalments for the remainder of my natural life, and which my estate will continue to pay up until the moment all my earthly assets have been liquidated or legally transferred into your ownership. Thanks, man!”

No problem. No problem at all, hate fans.

Hate on!

Anthony

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Hate Escape!

Abu Dhabi, hate freaks! [It means nothing, but the feeling is nice!]

This week I’ve received yet MORE testimonials from HYWTH readers, proving, without scientific doubt or method, that the programme really really truly does work!

However, I’ve also received one isolated piece of negative feedback, so in the interests of balance and fairness, I’ve decided to let you see this, and make up your OWN minds about who is most convincing.

Here we go!

“Dear Anthony, you dum [sic] bastard,

Youre [sic] stupid thing is crap. My friends and family all call me an idiotic moron, but I know what I don’t like, and I don’t like innovative, ground breaking and useful self-help programmes such as your own ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’.

People always tell me that my judgement is almost completely non-existent, and that I have no branes [sic] and that everyone should ignore everything I say, but do you know something? No? Well, I guess that makes you the idiot then, doesn’t it? Hahahahaha. I laugh at you. Why? I can’t remember.

You think that if you right [sic] things down people will read them and understand them. But you have forgotten about if people don’t read them no one will know what they are thinking about, but if they are talking maybe they will. Don’t you have a phone?

I love everybody and even if they call me a ‘spacko’ or a ‘murdering sub-mental child-man’ I know that God and Satan and that funny funny man from Boney M will guide me through the swamps and out of this prison which I am living in because it is really cheap and quite airy all things considered and not for any other reason at all.

Sometimes at night there is a sound but if you listen hard you can tell it is not a real sound but it’s a sound of pretending. You know when you pretend to make a sound and you might move your mouth but you don’t let any sound come out and you keep it inside your noise hole so that later you can have extra sounds to make when everyone else has run out and they look at you and they are jealous? If you have enough sounds you can go to heaven but if you have too many sounds you might need to put some on your thinking chair so that you can float up with the angels and the naked kids with their vaseline and harps and you are not so heavy with noise.

So you are crap and I win again ha. Stop putting so much red in my dreams it hurts my eyes and my face goes all burned.

Yours faithfully,
Gary McLennan.”
via email

Food for thought. I’ll CERTAINLY be re-thinking my methods from here on in!

Later, haters

Anthony

Monday, September 11, 2006

Blame Insurance

Recently we’ve focused most of our energies on extracting painful memories from our past (or ‘making a withdrawal’ from the ‘memory bank’, if you prefer – it’s really up to you!) and identifying the Aggressor Victims on whom we can vomit our rage and, yes, hate.

But there are side benefits to this ‘memory dredging’ which can provide, if not lesser or equal, then at least greater personal welfare profits to you, both now and at other times after now, as well as in future.

What the HELL am I talking about? That’s a pertinent question, if somewhat crudely phrased.

WHAT I am talking about is this: Blame Insurance.

We’ve all come up against instances in our lives when our own negligence, incompetence, laziness or stupidity has caused problems for ourselves or others.

That can be AWKWARD. Many so-called ‘therapists’ will advise you to ‘be the bigger man’ or ‘woman’ and own up to your mistakes. Apparently, this is supposed to be ‘helpful’ somehow. But as we can see, it is NOT. It simply means more work for you in making this mistake ‘right’. And that’s a major hassle, no matter how you look at it.

This is where the HYWTH ‘Blame Insurance’ technique is so utterly indispensable.

You’ll need to do another trawl through your ever expanding mind-basket of painful memories for this one. The secret is to ruminate, at great length, on each and every aspect of these episodes, so that you can provide an ‘issue’ tailored to any potential circumstance where you may be blamed for wrongdoing.

For instance, in the example I cited earlier, I drew up this list of Blame Insurance Personal Issues that a hypothetical person who had endured such a trauma could employ:

1. Fear of rejection (a classic, multi-purpose BIPI)
2. Fear of women
3. Camping anxiety
4. Hospital shame
5. Firewood collection oral sex discovery confusion
6. Leg terrors
7. Fear of men
8. Car bonnet trauma
9. Sexual inadequacy rage
10. Fear of leaving one place only to discover that an important phase of the teenager-adult rite of passage has taken place while you were gone and that your essential goodness as a human being, in wanting to provide for and assist your ‘friends’ by offering them warmth and light, has been mocked in the crudest possible fashion, stunting your emotional growth and searing images into your mind that years later reappear in your nightmares, leaving you unable to explain your bed-soiling
11. Alcoholism.

These are all just simple examples of BIPIs. I’m sure if you thought long and hard about your own traumatic memories you could come up with a much longer and more detailed list for yourself.

After a while, you’ll have compiled BIPIs for most conceivable situations where you might be expected to take the blame for something.

For instance, let’s say that someone has asked you to provide a plate of food for a party. When you forget, or you can’t be bothered, or you have no clean plates, DO NOT WORRY. Arrive at the party as planned, and when you are asked for your plate, mention to your host that you have some ‘personal issues’ that have prevented you from carrying out their request, and offer to explain these in full in private. Nine times out of ten, this will be as much as you are required to do. If you are required to explain further, simply dredge up an old memory, isolate an issue that seems appropriate, and then begin to explain in absurd detail how this has impacted on your plate-bringing inability. Most people will stop you before the five minute mark!

Then – ENJOY the PARTY!

It really is that simple.

Any questions? Lemme know!

It’s a hateshack, baby!

Anthony


PS. Avid readers may have noticed that the evil fascists at Wikipedia have removed the entry I referred to in this post. This is because they are bastards and I hate them.
You should too!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Everybody in the house of hate!

Oh yes! It’s ‘Hate your Way To Happiness’ time again! You look scrumptious. [I imagine.]

It’s time to get stuck into the ‘Post-Infant’ stage of Pone Socergy. I hope you’ve dredged up a suitably traumatic memory. If not, try harder, you idiot!

Many commentators have described the next phase of the programme as ‘revenge’, and this is accurate, in all but the most realistic of ways. In fact, I call it ‘sullying’. It’s more precise, and appealing!

The aim of this exercise is to subtly demean the reputation of your ‘Aggressor Victims’. It’s fun, but it can be a lot of hard work. In times past, many people have literally ALMOST DIED FROM EXHAUSTION in order to complete this task.

Sounds tough? Wise up, moron!

We’re living in the age of the internet, which makes reputation sullying a far simpler and more time-effective form of personal welfare satisfaction than ever before.

The internet has many wonderful uses, such as email and time wasting, but none more AWESOME than the power of Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is a kind of online encyclopaedia that is MADE UP just for the HELL OF IT by bored or vindictive people with plenty of time on their hands!

It’s your friend, so get to know it.

The easiest and most effective use of Wikipedia is simply to create an account for yourself, then make a new page about any of your Aggressor Victims, and set about assassinating their character to your heart’s content. Here’s an example. It’s about someone I know! [Not really.]

You can be as brief as you like, or you can really go in-depth with your grievance. be aware that others are able to edit your writing, but it’s a simple enough task to change it back to the way you like it.

If anything, it DISPROVES the maxim that ‘History is written by winners’!

The next thing to do is to make sure that your Wikipedia page is linked to by plenty of others. This helps with search engine results, which in turn means that the maximum number of people can see your slanderous and libellous rantings!

To help you get started, here’s a list of potential things you might like to write about people. I’ve used the name ‘Tom Hanks’ purely as an example.

Tom Hanks is an irritating man.
Tom Hanks is sadly lacking in personal hygiene.
Tom Hanks fails to indicate that he is about to turn corners when he is driving his car, endangering the lives of innocent pedestrians and other car drivers.
Tom Hanks employs 15 to 20 slaves, who he forces to praise him every 15 minutes, in increasingly florid language as the day goes on.
Tom Hanks litters.
Tom Hanks eats small, fluffy ducklings, vomits, and then looks at the vomit and laughs. He does this with his friend Jude Law.
Tom Hanks does not have a helicopter licence, yet he still flies a helicopter.
Tom Hanks thinks he is great, but everyone else thinks he is shit.

There you go! It’s not an exhaustive list by any means, but it should help to get you started!

Until next time – carry on hating!

Anthony