Friday, March 23, 2007

Returning soon

I will be returning soon, guys. Hate on!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Another day in Haterdise!

As the Pet Shop Boys so eloquently put it: “We are the bums that you step over, and, ultimately, trample to death as you rush to purchase the latest Harry Potter opus or Playstation gaming console.”

Relevance? You got it. While the world goes to hell in a handmaiden, most people ignore the ultimate power of HATE. You know that – that’s why you’re reading this.
Oh, sure, we all know how to ‘hate’ something or somebody, but have you ever wondered what the ultimate expression of pure hatred could be?

Well, don’t worry about it too much. I’m about to tell you! Just not in this paragraph.

Will I tell you in this paragraph? Hmm – this could go either way, couldn’t it? Feel the tension build! No, I’m not going to. Read the next paragraph instead.

Any devotee of the HYWTH method is aiming to attain the ultimate status – to enter ‘Haterdise’. [This is kind of a play on the word ‘paradise’, but with the word ‘hate’ used instead of the word ‘para’. I also employ a letter ‘r’ because it makes it easier to read.] Haterdise is the HYWTH equivalent of ‘Nirvana’, the Buddhist [sick] notion of achieving ultimate peace through being in a successful musical group.

When one gains entry to Haterdise, all the hate that has ever existed in the world, and all the potential hate that has ever existed, is available at one moment. Every single thing – object, person, animal, notion, gas, etc – has its hatefulness exposed, glaring and open, for the Haterdise resident to resent.

In Haterdise, true happiness is the knowledge that you were right all along. We may see glimpses of this knowledge in our everyday lives, but in Haterdise, all the awfulness of existence is on proud display.
It is truly a wonderful state, and one that we should all be aiming to achieve.

But you will need to practise.

Hate of grace


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Hate changes everything!

One of the really great things about the ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ programme is its ability to open up your eyes to new forms and subjects of hatreds you had previously tolerated or ignored.
Focusing on your inner hatred allows you to explore more fully your feelings of outrage, disgust, irritation and anger towards a brave new world of stuff and people that you do not like. At ALL. Or very much.
For example, recently I was walking along the street when a man walking in the opposite direction brushed his shoulder against me. Bear in mind that this is not a busy street – there was sufficient space for him to have avoided contact with me completely, leaving us both ‘un-brushed’. But brush he did.
Before I had invented the unique and innovative HYWTH method, I would probably have accepted this as a mild irritant and continued to go about my day AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. But something had happened, hadn’t it? I had been NEEDLESSLY BRUSHED.
To my eternal credit, I stopped in my tracks. I turned. And I bellowed.

“What the fuck was that all about then, you fucker?” I yelled, with passion. And also vim.

My assailant failed to turn around, so I was forced to run behind him until I was able to tap him upon the shoulder. At this, he spun wildly, and eyes ablaze, screamed: “And what the fuck do you think you’re doing, you horrible snivelling cunt?”

I couldn’t help myself. I was convulsed with laughter. Ha ha ha, I laughed, and followed that with a number of ‘ho ho’s and a certain amount of hee hee heeing.

What was so funny to me, and thus causing my laughter, was that my so-called ‘assailant’ was actually my friend Steven. Steven had previously explored the limits of his own hatred in some intensive HYWTH sessions with me, and was therefore only behaving in a way which was natural to his newly ‘aware’ self. See? Very funny stuff.

After we’d stopped slapping our knees and squirting milk out of our noses [where does that milk come from? It’s ALWAYS there when you’re having a laugh!] we retired to a public house, where we supped on ales and told each other lies about our sporting prowess, earning potential and sexual history.

Eventually we had a minor disagreement over the actual source of the Ganges, and engaged in mild, inebriated fisticuffs. Our drunken efforts were met with bemusement by the landlord, who ordered us out of his establishment, which we later firebombed.

As I stand here basking in the warm glow of that burning inn, one hand on my keyboard and the other gently punching Steven in the arm, I think to myself: Could this have happened without the miracle of HYWTH?

Ultimately, the answer is yes. Yes, it could. Quite easily. But that’s not the point, is it? The point is, hate can bring people together. Even if one of them is a stupid shoulder-brushing fucker.

Cheers, Steve. This one goes out to you.

Hate on, brother.


Tuesday, October 10, 2006

All aboard the 'Happy' train!

Since the inception of this exciting and informative service, we’ve spent a lot of time concentrating on the ‘Hate’ side of ‘Hate Your Way to Happiness’, and very little on the ‘Happiness’ side.

Well [can you guess what’s coming?] that’s all about to change!

What’s happiness, anyway? And why are we always trying so damn hard to have it? It’s a question that’s troubled the minds of lots of people over a significant period of time. Do you know what the one thing they had in common was? That’s right. They were all miserable bastards.

The thing is, happiness is different for different people.

For some, happiness is the contentment of growing old with a partner, sitting together in comfortable chairs and farting without fear of recrimination, and waiting to die. Some people might say this is a ‘boring’ and ‘stupid’ definition of happiness, but here at HYWTH we make it a policy never to sit in judgement of those idiots.

Others define happiness in simplistic, childlike, even slightly retarded terms. These are the people who define happiness as a series of fleeting images. Chief amongst these is the notion that happiness can somehow be found ‘in the smiling face of a child’.

There are numerous reasons why this is wrong. For instance, the smiling face of a child is usually covered in foodstuffs, snot, or dirt. This is REVOLTING. It is only the parents of these children who really believe that there is anything ‘happy’ to be found in this situation, and what they are actually doing is congratulating themselves on producing something that works, and can presumably be cleaned. For the rest of us, it’s simply NAUSEATING.

Also, consider what is likely to have provoked this child’s smile. In all probability, it is likely to have been an animal defecating or rutting, or an overgrown pervert in a bear costume falling to the ground. It may be the warmth of the child’s own urine-soaked undergarments, or the ‘antics’ of ‘comedian’ Adam Sandler. In any case, it is unlikely that the cause of the child’s smiling face is anything of a sophisticated or intelligent nature. After all, children are not smart. In fact, they are almost unbelievably stupid. The smile on a child’s face is likely to have been provoked by all that is DISGUSTING, UNSIGHTLY, and WRONG with the world.

This same ‘fleeting images’ school would have us believe that happiness is to be found in such moronic notions as ‘a warm piece of buttered toast on a cold winter’s morning’; ‘the first rays of sunshine after a shower’; ‘an antelope gambolling in a suburban car park’; or ‘the brief sensation of ecstatic guilt after a nun has sat naked in your lap’.

These are all images or sensations that may amuse briefly – and they may serve as some form of anaesthetic to the hideous drudgery of day to day living in the form of pleasant memories.

But ultimately they do not provide happiness. Lasting happiness, as we all know, can only really be achieved through the knowledge that you have bettered those that have done you wrong, that you have exacted the requisite amount of revenge, and that there others out there who feel much worse than you do about themselves.

So let’s get HAPPY!

Hate around the clock


Tuesday, October 03, 2006


After last week’s somewhat controversial discussion on racism (etc), I have been inundated with correspondence. Hence the title of this week’s entry!
Amongst this great mound of largely supportive email was this contribution:

“Dear Anthony
Thankyou so much for your wise and timely words on the subject of racism (etc). They [the words] moved me. About four metres! Hahaha.
Seriously, though, I have often been accused of ‘casual racism’. The trouble is, I don’t really understand the term.
Can you help?

Yours hatefully
Jemima Khan”
via email

Thanks for your kind words, Jemima, and remember, if you are a racist – casual or otherwise [keep reading!] – I hate you.

Now, to get down to brass explanations. Racism comes in many forms, and lesser people than I have attempted to categorise these forms in the past. As you can see from the list below, casual racism is at number 2.

1. Informal Racism
This is the most common form of racism. It often takes place without the racist in question even really understanding that they are being racist. It generally takes place whilst people are naked, and often in the changing rooms of gymnasiums or sporting facilities. Informal racism can be expressed as a furtive glance, an involuntary gasp, one or more raised eyebrows, or other, usually non-verbal methods of communication.

2. Casual Racism
People who indulge in casual racism, such as our correspondent Jemima, do so whilst wearing shorts, t-shirts, sandals, dressing gowns, loafers, tracksuits, or other forms of attire which allow them to feel relaxed and comfortable. It often takes place in the racist’s own home, and as such is a particularly insidious type of racism. It often takes the form of drunken slurs during sporting events or election night coverage.

3. Smart Casual Racism
Smart casual racism is very similar to casual racism, but it takes place whilst guests are visiting. If you are in any doubt as to whether a racist comment is ‘casual’ or ‘smart casual’, look for evidence of trouser-suits or handshakes.

4. Semi-Formal Racism
Those who indulge in semi-formal racism do so in bars, restaurants, nightclubs, dinner parties, and other venues where numerous people might be present. Semi-formal racists will usually respond to a racist comment to which they agree with the phrase “Forsooth, motherfucker.”

5. Black Tie Racism
Black tie racism is generally spotted during toasts made at weddings, formal dinners, awards ceremonies etc. Typical examples include: ‘God save the queen, and down with Jews!’; ‘Wishing you many wonderful years of marriage, as long as neither of you is Austrian’; and ‘To the future prosperity of the Guild of Chartered Practising Accountants – and may the Lord punish all those who choose to hail from the Indian sub-continent. Cheers!’ It is a particularly bad form of racism in that it is very difficult to extract oneself from a toast after one’s glass is raised.

6. Ultra-Formal Racism
This is a rare form of racism, and usually involves a high ranking member of the clergy uttering horribly bigoted epithets during a royal coronation. Others capable of ultra-formal racism are England’s Prince Phillip, and the Pope.

I hope that has answered your question. If not, bad luck!

Hate on, dudes!


Monday, September 25, 2006

An important discussion about racism (etc)!

Well, aloha, folks!

After last week’s example of the kind of hideously malformed brain that disagrees with the ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ agenda, we’ve come to a very serious point. It’s as serious as Cancer! [The most serious of all the star signs.]

I’ve recently been inundated with emails from readers who are keen to BRAG about how good they are at hating things. Unfortunately, these all tend to be of a fairly ‘race-related’ nature. And when I say ‘race’, I don’t mean the London Marathon! [Note: In some circumstances I may be referring to the London Marathon when I use the term ‘race’. It is also possible that I may be referring to other sporting events, such as motorsport, power walking, greyhound running. My lawyers have informed me that the onus is upon you, the reader, to undertake the requisite research to establish the context in which the word ‘race’ is used. RACE!]

For example, here are just some of the racialist phrases used in these emails: “I’m so good at hating stuff, I hate all Chinamen”; “those honkies can eat my booty”; “all Eskimo are scum”; and “I hate all people of Madagascan origin”.

To be honest, I’m APPALLED when I read these emails. I must emphasise this point: Racism is the lazy person’s hatred!

It really is. If you have learned one thing from HYWTH, it is surely this: hating your way to happiness takes work! Simply hating someone for the colour of their skin is as bad as liking someone for the colour of their blood. It makes no sense!

Successful hatred HAS to be tailored to the individual. Certainly, this can encompass physical appearance – but use your critical creativity! Hate someone for the way their loose fitting skin emphasises their unkempt knees. Hate them for their choice of genital piercing. Hate them for their unusual gait. But racism is cheating, because it requires no effort on your part whatsoever!

Many of the same things can be said about sexism, although this applies to a person’s gender rather than the colour of their skin. It’s IDLENESS of the HATRED GLANDS!

So stop hating people for the wrong reasons, IDIOTS! If you get with the programme and put your hate drives into constructive mode, you’ll be roaring up happiness highway with the wind in your stupid hair before you can say: “HYWTH saved my life! I owe you like a million bucks which I will pay in monthly instalments for the remainder of my natural life, and which my estate will continue to pay up until the moment all my earthly assets have been liquidated or legally transferred into your ownership. Thanks, man!”

No problem. No problem at all, hate fans.

Hate on!


Monday, September 18, 2006

The Hate Escape!

Abu Dhabi, hate freaks! [It means nothing, but the feeling is nice!]

This week I’ve received yet MORE testimonials from HYWTH readers, proving, without scientific doubt or method, that the programme really really truly does work!

However, I’ve also received one isolated piece of negative feedback, so in the interests of balance and fairness, I’ve decided to let you see this, and make up your OWN minds about who is most convincing.

Here we go!

“Dear Anthony, you dum [sic] bastard,

Youre [sic] stupid thing is crap. My friends and family all call me an idiotic moron, but I know what I don’t like, and I don’t like innovative, ground breaking and useful self-help programmes such as your own ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’.

People always tell me that my judgement is almost completely non-existent, and that I have no branes [sic] and that everyone should ignore everything I say, but do you know something? No? Well, I guess that makes you the idiot then, doesn’t it? Hahahahaha. I laugh at you. Why? I can’t remember.

You think that if you right [sic] things down people will read them and understand them. But you have forgotten about if people don’t read them no one will know what they are thinking about, but if they are talking maybe they will. Don’t you have a phone?

I love everybody and even if they call me a ‘spacko’ or a ‘murdering sub-mental child-man’ I know that God and Satan and that funny funny man from Boney M will guide me through the swamps and out of this prison which I am living in because it is really cheap and quite airy all things considered and not for any other reason at all.

Sometimes at night there is a sound but if you listen hard you can tell it is not a real sound but it’s a sound of pretending. You know when you pretend to make a sound and you might move your mouth but you don’t let any sound come out and you keep it inside your noise hole so that later you can have extra sounds to make when everyone else has run out and they look at you and they are jealous? If you have enough sounds you can go to heaven but if you have too many sounds you might need to put some on your thinking chair so that you can float up with the angels and the naked kids with their vaseline and harps and you are not so heavy with noise.

So you are crap and I win again ha. Stop putting so much red in my dreams it hurts my eyes and my face goes all burned.

Yours faithfully,
Gary McLennan.”
via email

Food for thought. I’ll CERTAINLY be re-thinking my methods from here on in!

Later, haters