The hate that dare not speak its name!

Yo! Wassup wit’yo hateful self?

That was an example of ‘patois’. Feel free to try it yourself someday!

This week, as promised, we’re discussing PS AnalEx- the Pone Socergy Analysis Exercise. This is a slightly more advanced step in the programme, a little more difficult than Resentment Fertilisation – but it’s really just a continuation of the same process.

In fact, the whole PS AnalEx thing is incredibly SIMPLE – but there’s no shame in acknowledging your own inadequacy when you realise there is NO WAY you could have come up with such a startling concept yourself. Almost all of the greatest thinkers in the history of humanity have failed to discover the AWESOME POWER of the ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ method, so you’re in pretty esteemed company. After all, if ignorance was a crime, we’d all be guilty, right? Right!

The crucial thing to remember is that no matter how daunting indulging in PS AnalEx for the first time might seem, you are not alone. [In reality, this may be untrue.]

Remember the way we Fertilised our Resentment by thinking about real and potential annoyances concerning the person/issue who was the target of our Pone Socergy? Well, PS AnalEx is simply the practical application of these silent bilebombs, and as such, is aided immeasurably by exposing yourself.

To women’s magazines, that is! [Displaying your genitalia to strangers falls outside of the remit of this programme.]

If you haven’t seen one before, women’s magazines are ‘the hater’s best friend’. They’re FANTASTIC! What they offer is a masterclass in practically applied sneering and derision. You know the way that you mentally draw a ‘circle of shame’ around the least appealing part of a celebrity’s body when you see them? These tremendous publications help you out by POINTING OUT FLAWS on your behalf!

What’s more, these flaws are usually the most fashionable and hip of social crimes, so you’ll know what’s considered unacceptable in the trendiest of cliques. And if it’s unacceptable to them, you KNOW it’s unacceptable to the bottom-feeding scum you like to hang around with! (Present company excluded.)

At the time of writing, WRINKLED KNUCKLES mark you out as one of the most idiotic, socially retarded, unfashionable fuckwits around. Get involved in some cosmetic finger ironing, you MORON!

So here’s how PS AnalEx works: browse through as many women’s magazines as you can, to get a taste of what the hip people are being ashamed of these days. Then read some online discussion groups to find out what you should be thinking. (Do not worry if there are major inconsistencies in the logic of these arguments – you’re not looking for the truth, just a means to appear more ‘with it’ than the object of your hatred.)

Next, make a list. Not just any old list, though, stupid – that would be dumb and counterproductive. Make a list of any of these flaws - physical, mental or habitual – that you think could be applied to your foe.

Call any of their friends that you can stand to talk to, and organise to meet for a chat, or whatever the fuck your sort does. Whilst chatting, discuss celebrities and current events, using your new found knowledge rather than your own insipid opinions. This is IMPORTANT. Subtly introduce the object of your Pone Socergy into the conversation, perhaps by suggesting that they have the wrinkliest knuckles you have ever seen. As a general rule, people like to hate each other, so you don’t have to feel like you’re alone in thinking this.

Pretty soon, every one will be talking and laughing about the revolting state of your foe’s knuckles!

Crucially, though, you need to make it obvious to these goons that you ‘feel sorry’ for this person’s affliction. Here are some phrases you can use:

“Maybe his gloves are broken?”

“It’s not really that important, it’s just that people are SO focused on knuckles these days…”

“He hardly ever points at things anyway.”

“Fists. That’s all I’m saying.”

“I would happily cut his hands off for him.”

Soon enough, your stupidly-knuckled enemy will be feeling self-conscious, uncomfortable and vulnerable.

You’ve had a SMALL, SILENT VICTORY!

…And that’s when the hating can really begin!

Until next time - maintain the hate

Anthony