Hate Your Way to Happiness!

Returning soon

2007-03-23T10:12:00.000Z

I will be returning soon, guys. Hate on!

Another day in Haterdise!

2006-10-31T15:11:00.000Z

As the Pet Shop Boys so eloquently put it: “We are the bums that you step over, and, ultimately, trample to death as you rush to purchase the latest Harry Potter opus or Playstation gaming console.”

Relevance? You got it. While the world goes to hell in a handmaiden, most people ignore the ultimate power of HATE. You know that – that’s why you’re reading this.
Oh, sure, we all know how to ‘hate’ something or somebody, but have you ever wondered what the ultimate expression of pure hatred could be?

Well, don’t worry about it too much. I’m about to tell you! Just not in this paragraph.

Will I tell you in this paragraph? Hmm – this could go either way, couldn’t it? Feel the tension build! No, I’m not going to. Read the next paragraph instead.

Any devotee of the HYWTH method is aiming to attain the ultimate status – to enter ‘Haterdise’. [This is kind of a play on the word ‘paradise’, but with the word ‘hate’ used instead of the word ‘para’. I also employ a letter ‘r’ because it makes it easier to read.] Haterdise is the HYWTH equivalent of ‘Nirvana’, the Buddhist [sick] notion of achieving ultimate peace through being in a successful musical group.

When one gains entry to Haterdise, all the hate that has ever existed in the world, and all the potential hate that has ever existed, is available at one moment. Every single thing – object, person, animal, notion, gas, etc – has its hatefulness exposed, glaring and open, for the Haterdise resident to resent.

In Haterdise, true happiness is the knowledge that you were right all along. We may see glimpses of this knowledge in our everyday lives, but in Haterdise, all the awfulness of existence is on proud display.
It is truly a wonderful state, and one that we should all be aiming to achieve.

But you will need to practise.

Hate of grace

Anthony.

Hate changes everything!

2006-10-17T13:30:00.000+01:00

One of the really great things about the ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ programme is its ability to open up your eyes to new forms and subjects of hatreds you had previously tolerated or ignored.
Focusing on your inner hatred allows you to explore more fully your feelings of outrage, disgust, irritation and anger towards a brave new world of stuff and people that you do not like. At ALL. Or very much.
For example, recently I was walking along the street when a man walking in the opposite direction brushed his shoulder against me. Bear in mind that this is not a busy street – there was sufficient space for him to have avoided contact with me completely, leaving us both ‘un-brushed’. But brush he did.
Before I had invented the unique and innovative HYWTH method, I would probably have accepted this as a mild irritant and continued to go about my day AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. But something had happened, hadn’t it? I had been NEEDLESSLY BRUSHED.
To my eternal credit, I stopped in my tracks. I turned. And I bellowed.

“What the fuck was that all about then, you fucker?” I yelled, with passion. And also vim.

My assailant failed to turn around, so I was forced to run behind him until I was able to tap him upon the shoulder. At this, he spun wildly, and eyes ablaze, screamed: “And what the fuck do you think you’re doing, you horrible snivelling cunt?”

I couldn’t help myself. I was convulsed with laughter. Ha ha ha, I laughed, and followed that with a number of ‘ho ho’s and a certain amount of hee hee heeing.

What was so funny to me, and thus causing my laughter, was that my so-called ‘assailant’ was actually my friend Steven. Steven had previously explored the limits of his own hatred in some intensive HYWTH sessions with me, and was therefore only behaving in a way which was natural to his newly ‘aware’ self. See? Very funny stuff.

After we’d stopped slapping our knees and squirting milk out of our noses [where does that milk come from? It’s ALWAYS there when you’re having a laugh!] we retired to a public house, where we supped on ales and told each other lies about our sporting prowess, earning potential and sexual history.

Eventually we had a minor disagreement over the actual source of the Ganges, and engaged in mild, inebriated fisticuffs. Our drunken efforts were met with bemusement by the landlord, who ordered us out of his establishment, which we later firebombed.

As I stand here basking in the warm glow of that burning inn, one hand on my keyboard and the other gently punching Steven in the arm, I think to myself: Could this have happened without the miracle of HYWTH?

Ultimately, the answer is yes. Yes, it could. Quite easily. But that’s not the point, is it? The point is, hate can bring people together. Even if one of them is a stupid shoulder-brushing fucker.

Cheers, Steve. This one goes out to you.

Hate on, brother.

Anthony

All aboard the 'Happy' train!

2006-10-10T14:16:00.000+01:00

Since the inception of this exciting and informative service, we’ve spent a lot of time concentrating on the ‘Hate’ side of ‘Hate Your Way to Happiness’, and very little on the ‘Happiness’ side.

Well [can you guess what’s coming?] that’s all about to change!

What’s happiness, anyway? And why are we always trying so damn hard to have it? It’s a question that’s troubled the minds of lots of people over a significant period of time. Do you know what the one thing they had in common was? That’s right. They were all miserable bastards.

The thing is, happiness is different for different people.

For some, happiness is the contentment of growing old with a partner, sitting together in comfortable chairs and farting without fear of recrimination, and waiting to die. Some people might say this is a ‘boring’ and ‘stupid’ definition of happiness, but here at HYWTH we make it a policy never to sit in judgement of those idiots.

Others define happiness in simplistic, childlike, even slightly retarded terms. These are the people who define happiness as a series of fleeting images. Chief amongst these is the notion that happiness can somehow be found ‘in the smiling face of a child’.

There are numerous reasons why this is wrong. For instance, the smiling face of a child is usually covered in foodstuffs, snot, or dirt. This is REVOLTING. It is only the parents of these children who really believe that there is anything ‘happy’ to be found in this situation, and what they are actually doing is congratulating themselves on producing something that works, and can presumably be cleaned. For the rest of us, it’s simply NAUSEATING.

Also, consider what is likely to have provoked this child’s smile. In all probability, it is likely to have been an animal defecating or rutting, or an overgrown pervert in a bear costume falling to the ground. It may be the warmth of the child’s own urine-soaked undergarments, or the ‘antics’ of ‘comedian’ Adam Sandler. In any case, it is unlikely that the cause of the child’s smiling face is anything of a sophisticated or intelligent nature. After all, children are not smart. In fact, they are almost unbelievably stupid. The smile on a child’s face is likely to have been provoked by all that is DISGUSTING, UNSIGHTLY, and WRONG with the world.

This same ‘fleeting images’ school would have us believe that happiness is to be found in such moronic notions as ‘a warm piece of buttered toast on a cold winter’s morning’; ‘the first rays of sunshine after a shower’; ‘an antelope gambolling in a suburban car park’; or ‘the brief sensation of ecstatic guilt after a nun has sat naked in your lap’.

These are all images or sensations that may amuse briefly – and they may serve as some form of anaesthetic to the hideous drudgery of day to day living in the form of pleasant memories.

But ultimately they do not provide happiness. Lasting happiness, as we all know, can only really be achieved through the knowledge that you have bettered those that have done you wrong, that you have exacted the requisite amount of revenge, and that there others out there who feel much worse than you do about themselves.

So let’s get HAPPY!

Hate around the clock

Anthony

Correspondence!

2006-10-03T14:09:00.000+01:00

After last week’s somewhat controversial discussion on racism (etc), I have been inundated with correspondence. Hence the title of this week’s entry!
Amongst this great mound of largely supportive email was this contribution:

“Dear Anthony
Thankyou so much for your wise and timely words on the subject of racism (etc). They [the words] moved me. About four metres! Hahaha.
Seriously, though, I have often been accused of ‘casual racism’. The trouble is, I don’t really understand the term.
Can you help?

Yours hatefully
Jemima Khan”
via email

Thanks for your kind words, Jemima, and remember, if you are a racist – casual or otherwise [keep reading!] – I hate you.

Now, to get down to brass explanations. Racism comes in many forms, and lesser people than I have attempted to categorise these forms in the past. As you can see from the list below, casual racism is at number 2.

1. Informal Racism
This is the most common form of racism. It often takes place without the racist in question even really understanding that they are being racist. It generally takes place whilst people are naked, and often in the changing rooms of gymnasiums or sporting facilities. Informal racism can be expressed as a furtive glance, an involuntary gasp, one or more raised eyebrows, or other, usually non-verbal methods of communication.

2. Casual Racism
People who indulge in casual racism, such as our correspondent Jemima, do so whilst wearing shorts, t-shirts, sandals, dressing gowns, loafers, tracksuits, or other forms of attire which allow them to feel relaxed and comfortable. It often takes place in the racist’s own home, and as such is a particularly insidious type of racism. It often takes the form of drunken slurs during sporting events or election night coverage.

3. Smart Casual Racism
Smart casual racism is very similar to casual racism, but it takes place whilst guests are visiting. If you are in any doubt as to whether a racist comment is ‘casual’ or ‘smart casual’, look for evidence of trouser-suits or handshakes.

4. Semi-Formal Racism
Those who indulge in semi-formal racism do so in bars, restaurants, nightclubs, dinner parties, and other venues where numerous people might be present. Semi-formal racists will usually respond to a racist comment to which they agree with the phrase “Forsooth, motherfucker.”

5. Black Tie Racism
Black tie racism is generally spotted during toasts made at weddings, formal dinners, awards ceremonies etc. Typical examples include: ‘God save the queen, and down with Jews!’; ‘Wishing you many wonderful years of marriage, as long as neither of you is Austrian’; and ‘To the future prosperity of the Guild of Chartered Practising Accountants – and may the Lord punish all those who choose to hail from the Indian sub-continent. Cheers!’ It is a particularly bad form of racism in that it is very difficult to extract oneself from a toast after one’s glass is raised.

6. Ultra-Formal Racism
This is a rare form of racism, and usually involves a high ranking member of the clergy uttering horribly bigoted epithets during a royal coronation. Others capable of ultra-formal racism are England’s Prince Phillip, and the Pope.

I hope that has answered your question. If not, bad luck!

Hate on, dudes!

Anthony

An important discussion about racism (etc)!

2006-09-25T14:39:00.000+01:00

Well, aloha, folks!

After last week’s example of the kind of hideously malformed brain that disagrees with the ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ agenda, we’ve come to a very serious point. It’s as serious as Cancer! [The most serious of all the star signs.]

I’ve recently been inundated with emails from readers who are keen to BRAG about how good they are at hating things. Unfortunately, these all tend to be of a fairly ‘race-related’ nature. And when I say ‘race’, I don’t mean the London Marathon! [Note: In some circumstances I may be referring to the London Marathon when I use the term ‘race’. It is also possible that I may be referring to other sporting events, such as motorsport, power walking, greyhound running. My lawyers have informed me that the onus is upon you, the reader, to undertake the requisite research to establish the context in which the word ‘race’ is used. RACE!]

For example, here are just some of the racialist phrases used in these emails: “I’m so good at hating stuff, I hate all Chinamen”; “those honkies can eat my booty”; “all Eskimo are scum”; and “I hate all people of Madagascan origin”.

To be honest, I’m APPALLED when I read these emails. I must emphasise this point: Racism is the lazy person’s hatred!

It really is. If you have learned one thing from HYWTH, it is surely this: hating your way to happiness takes work! Simply hating someone for the colour of their skin is as bad as liking someone for the colour of their blood. It makes no sense!

Successful hatred HAS to be tailored to the individual. Certainly, this can encompass physical appearance – but use your critical creativity! Hate someone for the way their loose fitting skin emphasises their unkempt knees. Hate them for their choice of genital piercing. Hate them for their unusual gait. But racism is cheating, because it requires no effort on your part whatsoever!

Many of the same things can be said about sexism, although this applies to a person’s gender rather than the colour of their skin. It’s IDLENESS of the HATRED GLANDS!

So stop hating people for the wrong reasons, IDIOTS! If you get with the programme and put your hate drives into constructive mode, you’ll be roaring up happiness highway with the wind in your stupid hair before you can say: “HYWTH saved my life! I owe you like a million bucks which I will pay in monthly instalments for the remainder of my natural life, and which my estate will continue to pay up until the moment all my earthly assets have been liquidated or legally transferred into your ownership. Thanks, man!”

No problem. No problem at all, hate fans.

Hate on!

Anthony

The Hate Escape!

2006-09-18T14:33:00.000+01:00

Abu Dhabi, hate freaks! [It means nothing, but the feeling is nice!]

This week I’ve received yet MORE testimonials from HYWTH readers, proving, without scientific doubt or method, that the programme really really truly does work!

However, I’ve also received one isolated piece of negative feedback, so in the interests of balance and fairness, I’ve decided to let you see this, and make up your OWN minds about who is most convincing.

Here we go!

“Dear Anthony, you dum [sic] bastard,

Youre [sic] stupid thing is crap. My friends and family all call me an idiotic moron, but I know what I don’t like, and I don’t like innovative, ground breaking and useful self-help programmes such as your own ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’.

People always tell me that my judgement is almost completely non-existent, and that I have no branes [sic] and that everyone should ignore everything I say, but do you know something? No? Well, I guess that makes you the idiot then, doesn’t it? Hahahahaha. I laugh at you. Why? I can’t remember.

You think that if you right [sic] things down people will read them and understand them. But you have forgotten about if people don’t read them no one will know what they are thinking about, but if they are talking maybe they will. Don’t you have a phone?

I love everybody and even if they call me a ‘spacko’ or a ‘murdering sub-mental child-man’ I know that God and Satan and that funny funny man from Boney M will guide me through the swamps and out of this prison which I am living in because it is really cheap and quite airy all things considered and not for any other reason at all.

Sometimes at night there is a sound but if you listen hard you can tell it is not a real sound but it’s a sound of pretending. You know when you pretend to make a sound and you might move your mouth but you don’t let any sound come out and you keep it inside your noise hole so that later you can have extra sounds to make when everyone else has run out and they look at you and they are jealous? If you have enough sounds you can go to heaven but if you have too many sounds you might need to put some on your thinking chair so that you can float up with the angels and the naked kids with their vaseline and harps and you are not so heavy with noise.

So you are crap and I win again ha. Stop putting so much red in my dreams it hurts my eyes and my face goes all burned.

Yours faithfully,
Gary McLennan.”
via email

Food for thought. I’ll CERTAINLY be re-thinking my methods from here on in!

Later, haters

Anthony

Blame Insurance

2006-09-11T14:08:00.000+01:00

Recently we’ve focused most of our energies on extracting painful memories from our past (or ‘making a withdrawal’ from the ‘memory bank’, if you prefer – it’s really up to you!) and identifying the Aggressor Victims on whom we can vomit our rage and, yes, hate.

But there are side benefits to this ‘memory dredging’ which can provide, if not lesser or equal, then at least greater personal welfare profits to you, both now and at other times after now, as well as in future.

What the HELL am I talking about? That’s a pertinent question, if somewhat crudely phrased.

WHAT I am talking about is this: Blame Insurance.

We’ve all come up against instances in our lives when our own negligence, incompetence, laziness or stupidity has caused problems for ourselves or others.

That can be AWKWARD. Many so-called ‘therapists’ will advise you to ‘be the bigger man’ or ‘woman’ and own up to your mistakes. Apparently, this is supposed to be ‘helpful’ somehow. But as we can see, it is NOT. It simply means more work for you in making this mistake ‘right’. And that’s a major hassle, no matter how you look at it.

This is where the HYWTH ‘Blame Insurance’ technique is so utterly indispensable.

You’ll need to do another trawl through your ever expanding mind-basket of painful memories for this one. The secret is to ruminate, at great length, on each and every aspect of these episodes, so that you can provide an ‘issue’ tailored to any potential circumstance where you may be blamed for wrongdoing.

For instance, in the example I cited earlier, I drew up this list of Blame Insurance Personal Issues that a hypothetical person who had endured such a trauma could employ:

1. Fear of rejection (a classic, multi-purpose BIPI)
2. Fear of women
3. Camping anxiety
4. Hospital shame
5. Firewood collection oral sex discovery confusion
6. Leg terrors
7. Fear of men
8. Car bonnet trauma
9. Sexual inadequacy rage
10. Fear of leaving one place only to discover that an important phase of the teenager-adult rite of passage has taken place while you were gone and that your essential goodness as a human being, in wanting to provide for and assist your ‘friends’ by offering them warmth and light, has been mocked in the crudest possible fashion, stunting your emotional growth and searing images into your mind that years later reappear in your nightmares, leaving you unable to explain your bed-soiling
11. Alcoholism.

These are all just simple examples of BIPIs. I’m sure if you thought long and hard about your own traumatic memories you could come up with a much longer and more detailed list for yourself.

After a while, you’ll have compiled BIPIs for most conceivable situations where you might be expected to take the blame for something.

For instance, let’s say that someone has asked you to provide a plate of food for a party. When you forget, or you can’t be bothered, or you have no clean plates, DO NOT WORRY. Arrive at the party as planned, and when you are asked for your plate, mention to your host that you have some ‘personal issues’ that have prevented you from carrying out their request, and offer to explain these in full in private. Nine times out of ten, this will be as much as you are required to do. If you are required to explain further, simply dredge up an old memory, isolate an issue that seems appropriate, and then begin to explain in absurd detail how this has impacted on your plate-bringing inability. Most people will stop you before the five minute mark!

Then – ENJOY the PARTY!

It really is that simple.

Any questions? Lemme know!

It’s a hateshack, baby!

Anthony

PS. Avid readers may have noticed that the evil fascists at Wikipedia have removed the entry I referred to in this post. This is because they are bastards and I hate them.
You should too!

Everybody in the house of hate!

2006-09-04T14:36:00.000+01:00

Oh yes! It’s ‘Hate your Way To Happiness’ time again! You look scrumptious. [I imagine.]

It’s time to get stuck into the ‘Post-Infant’ stage of Pone Socergy. I hope you’ve dredged up a suitably traumatic memory. If not, try harder, you idiot!

Many commentators have described the next phase of the programme as ‘revenge’, and this is accurate, in all but the most realistic of ways. In fact, I call it ‘sullying’. It’s more precise, and appealing!

The aim of this exercise is to subtly demean the reputation of your ‘Aggressor Victims’. It’s fun, but it can be a lot of hard work. In times past, many people have literally ALMOST DIED FROM EXHAUSTION in order to complete this task.

Sounds tough? Wise up, moron!

We’re living in the age of the internet, which makes reputation sullying a far simpler and more time-effective form of personal welfare satisfaction than ever before.

The internet has many wonderful uses, such as email and time wasting, but none more AWESOME than the power of Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is a kind of online encyclopaedia that is MADE UP just for the HELL OF IT by bored or vindictive people with plenty of time on their hands!

It’s your friend, so get to know it.

The easiest and most effective use of Wikipedia is simply to create an account for yourself, then make a new page about any of your Aggressor Victims, and set about assassinating their character to your heart’s content. Here’s an example. It’s about someone I know! [Not really.]

You can be as brief as you like, or you can really go in-depth with your grievance. be aware that others are able to edit your writing, but it’s a simple enough task to change it back to the way you like it.

If anything, it DISPROVES the maxim that ‘History is written by winners’!

The next thing to do is to make sure that your Wikipedia page is linked to by plenty of others. This helps with search engine results, which in turn means that the maximum number of people can see your slanderous and libellous rantings!

To help you get started, here’s a list of potential things you might like to write about people. I’ve used the name ‘Tom Hanks’ purely as an example.

Tom Hanks is an irritating man.
Tom Hanks is sadly lacking in personal hygiene.
Tom Hanks fails to indicate that he is about to turn corners when he is driving his car, endangering the lives of innocent pedestrians and other car drivers.
Tom Hanks employs 15 to 20 slaves, who he forces to praise him every 15 minutes, in increasingly florid language as the day goes on.
Tom Hanks litters.
Tom Hanks eats small, fluffy ducklings, vomits, and then looks at the vomit and laughs. He does this with his friend Jude Law.
Tom Hanks does not have a helicopter licence, yet he still flies a helicopter.
Tom Hanks thinks he is great, but everyone else thinks he is shit.

There you go! It’s not an exhaustive list by any means, but it should help to get you started!

Until next time – carry on hating!

Anthony

Stand Up For Your Hate Rights? Right!

2006-08-29T14:32:00.000+01:00

Welcome back to ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’. It feels like forever, doesn’t it? Yes!

Recently we’ve been talking about Pone Socergy, but so far we’ve only really thought about using it in its so-called ‘Infant Stage’. I called it that myself.

What I’m doing now is writing about how you can advance from that stage, and start to use Pone Socergy to target specific ‘Aggressor Victims’. This is the ‘Post-Infant Stage’. It’s called that for a reason!

The key here is to seek out those who may have done you a ‘wrong’ in the past. You’ll need to use your memory here.

As an example, let’s imagine you have a memory from back in your school days. Let’s say the memory involves you and some friends going camping. It seems like a fun idea, doesn’t it? You’ve bought some booze and other camping supplies, and because your ex-girlfriend is amongst those in the party, you plucked up the courage to buy some condoms as well.

Hey, it never hurts to hope, does it? [Note: Yes.] After all, the only reason you broke up was because she wanted to concentrate on studying. This could be your weekend!

Now, let’s imagine that everything’s going just swell. Everyone’s pretty drunk, there’s an air of exuberance about, and you and a pal have gone off in the dark to collect some more firewood. That’s called community spirit! Task accomplished, you head back to camp – only to discover that nobody’s around. On closer inspection, you realise that there are people around – two of them. There’s a good friend of yours, handsome, charming, eyes closed in concentration, sitting on the bonnet of a car. It’s interesting that he is wearing nothing from the waist down.

Also interesting is the fact that your ex-girlfriend is sucking enthusiastically on his erect penis.

Taking all of this in, you decide that the only reasonable course of action is to throw a tantrum and storm off into the darkness. Well within your rights, you would imagine. In fact, TOTALLY NORMAL behaviour in this particular context.

Of course, over the next few hours ALL of the attention is taken from your awful plight, and focused instead on your stupid fellatio-receiving buddy and the leg he has broken while searching for you with the others.

Now HE is the one everybody is concerned about. HE is the one you have to rush to hospital and sympathise over, while your unused condoms move inexorably towards their expiration date. It’s HIM they all refer to when you start screaming in the hospital emergency room about your so-called ‘friends’ and their lack of concern for you. And, ultimately, it’s HIM who causes hospital security staff to throw you bodily, humiliatingly, out of the hospital and into the car park, alone.

And it’s these ‘friends’ who show their true colours when they REFUSE to allow you to join them on their next camping trip.

What a BUNCH of CUNTS.

So, if you can use your memory to come up with a painful remembrance like this HYPOTHETICAL scenario, next time we can look at how Pone Socergy can best help you.

So get your thinking hats on! [Note: If you have no such hat, thinking gloves or trousers are also acceptable.]

It’s a hate thing!

Anthony

The hate that dare not speak its name!

2006-08-21T13:06:00.000+01:00

Yo! Wassup wit’yo hateful self?

That was an example of ‘patois’. Feel free to try it yourself someday!

This week, as promised, we’re discussing PS AnalEx- the Pone Socergy Analysis Exercise. This is a slightly more advanced step in the programme, a little more difficult than Resentment Fertilisation – but it’s really just a continuation of the same process.

In fact, the whole PS AnalEx thing is incredibly SIMPLE – but there’s no shame in acknowledging your own inadequacy when you realise there is NO WAY you could have come up with such a startling concept yourself. Almost all of the greatest thinkers in the history of humanity have failed to discover the AWESOME POWER of the ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ method, so you’re in pretty esteemed company. After all, if ignorance was a crime, we’d all be guilty, right? Right!

The crucial thing to remember is that no matter how daunting indulging in PS AnalEx for the first time might seem, you are not alone. [In reality, this may be untrue.]

Remember the way we Fertilised our Resentment by thinking about real and potential annoyances concerning the person/issue who was the target of our Pone Socergy? Well, PS AnalEx is simply the practical application of these silent bilebombs, and as such, is aided immeasurably by exposing yourself.

To women’s magazines, that is! [Displaying your genitalia to strangers falls outside of the remit of this programme.]

If you haven’t seen one before, women’s magazines are ‘the hater’s best friend’. They’re FANTASTIC! What they offer is a masterclass in practically applied sneering and derision. You know the way that you mentally draw a ‘circle of shame’ around the least appealing part of a celebrity’s body when you see them? These tremendous publications help you out by POINTING OUT FLAWS on your behalf!

What’s more, these flaws are usually the most fashionable and hip of social crimes, so you’ll know what’s considered unacceptable in the trendiest of cliques. And if it’s unacceptable to them, you KNOW it’s unacceptable to the bottom-feeding scum you like to hang around with! (Present company excluded.)

At the time of writing, WRINKLED KNUCKLES mark you out as one of the most idiotic, socially retarded, unfashionable fuckwits around. Get involved in some cosmetic finger ironing, you MORON!

So here’s how PS AnalEx works: browse through as many women’s magazines as you can, to get a taste of what the hip people are being ashamed of these days. Then read some online discussion groups to find out what you should be thinking. (Do not worry if there are major inconsistencies in the logic of these arguments – you’re not looking for the truth, just a means to appear more ‘with it’ than the object of your hatred.)

Next, make a list. Not just any old list, though, stupid – that would be dumb and counterproductive. Make a list of any of these flaws - physical, mental or habitual – that you think could be applied to your foe.

Call any of their friends that you can stand to talk to, and organise to meet for a chat, or whatever the fuck your sort does. Whilst chatting, discuss celebrities and current events, using your new found knowledge rather than your own insipid opinions. This is IMPORTANT. Subtly introduce the object of your Pone Socergy into the conversation, perhaps by suggesting that they have the wrinkliest knuckles you have ever seen. As a general rule, people like to hate each other, so you don’t have to feel like you’re alone in thinking this.

Pretty soon, every one will be talking and laughing about the revolting state of your foe’s knuckles!

Crucially, though, you need to make it obvious to these goons that you ‘feel sorry’ for this person’s affliction. Here are some phrases you can use:

“Maybe his gloves are broken?”

“It’s not really that important, it’s just that people are SO focused on knuckles these days…”

“He hardly ever points at things anyway.”

“Fists. That’s all I’m saying.”

“I would happily cut his hands off for him.”

Soon enough, your stupidly-knuckled enemy will be feeling self-conscious, uncomfortable and vulnerable.

You’ve had a SMALL, SILENT VICTORY!

…And that’s when the hating can really begin!

Until next time - maintain the hate

Anthony

Midweek bonus!

2006-08-16T12:23:00.000+01:00

Unexpected greetings!
This 'midweek bonus' is nothing more than a marketing ploy, so if you're offended by that sort of thing, stop reading now.
Also, I hate you.

For everyone else, there is this.
Up here at HYWTH Towers, we are considering offering for sale hand-painted 'Hate Your Way To Happiness' t-shirts. These low-quality garments will only go into 'production' if there is enough interest to justify us putting any effort into it.

So - if you fancy your very own shirt with the words 'Hate Your Way To Happiness!' written on it, let me know. Send me an email, or leave a comment at http://www.hateyourwaytohappiness.blogspot.com/.
It's the future of fashion, or some kind of low-quality equivalent thereof.

Yours in hate

Anthony

Sea of Hate!

2006-08-13T22:31:00.000+01:00

Hello again, you bastards! [I am kidding.]

If you have any kind of memory whatsoever, you’ll recall that last time we were talking about Socergy, the phenomenon of ‘Social Energy’ that exists, no matter what any pointy-faced academic do-gooder would have you believe.

The thing is that in and of itself, Socergy can be at best invigorating, and at worst personally destructive (see ‘Spontaneous Human Combustion’, mentioned last week).

The problem is that most idiots simply spray their Socergy around like the urine of a drunken Scotsman. In the 21st century, where even the most dickheaded of fuck-knuckles are aware of the importance of recycling, this is the equivalent of burning 400 acres of Amazonian rainforest a second while employing an army of coal powered robots to wrap the entirety of Tokyo in plastic cling film TWICE.

In other words, it’s wasteful. And it is also STUPID.

How MORONIC would you have to be to throw away the potential AWESOME POWER of Positive Negative Socergy? The answer is very. [Note: You may also be ignorant.]

As you might have guessed, the secret of Positive Negative Social Energy, or Pone Socergy, is focus. The real power of hate is only really truly effective when it filters out the extraneous and is focused on the individual or issue at hand.

Unfortunately, this means that in order to ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ you are going to have to think a little. This thinking is known as the Pone Socergy Analysis Exercise, or PS AnalEx.

An effective means of engaging in PS AnalEx, and thus Pone Socergy, is through the process of Resentment Fertilisation. RF can best be achieved at a distance from the target of your hatred. Therefore, if you are at a party, as in our earlier example, the best course of action is to storm noisily away from the gathering and return to your home, where your Resentment can best be Fertilised.

As you might expect of a ‘home grown’ hatred solution, Resentment Fertilisation works best in a cool, dark room. This may last days, weeks, or even months. The secret is in never allowing the mind to wander too far away from the object of your derision.

For instance, if you are thinking of eating some food, consider the individual who is the target of your RF. Think about the hideous way they are likely to eat their dinner. They probably bang their fork against their teeth, or allow small pieces of lasagne to fall from their mouth to their plate. Consider them wiping their mouth with the back of their hand. Obsess over the way they hold their cutlery in a slightly unconventional fashion.

If you have any evidence that this is true, you are at an advantage. However, potential annoyances can be just as effective in fertilising resentment as genuine ones, if you maintain your focus.

Continue to nurture your resentment by applying this technique to all of your day to day thoughts and ideas. A fun exercise can be to build a life-sized piñata/effigy of your enemy, then invite local children to demolish it. You can fill it with sweet treats for the children if you so desire, but I find that often the most satisfying option is to use blood. [Ask at your local butcher or blood bank.] This may surprise the youngsters, but it will also teach them a valuable lesson about considering the consequences of their actions. Their screams will add authenticity to your video footage of the symbolic party slaughter.

Once you have reached this level - once your resentment has fully grown and matured - you’re ready to get down and dirty with some PS AnalEx.

And that’s what we’ll be looking at next week!

Until then - keep that hate on your plate!

Anthony

[Key phrases this week:
Socergy
Pone Socergy
PS AnalEx
Resentment Fertilisation]

Socergy!

2006-08-07T14:35:00.000+01:00

Oh, hello again! It’s me, Anthony. How are you? Good.

You know, a lot of people say to me, Anthony, I can see how this ‘Hate Your Way To Happiness’ thing works in a real life, practical and useful sense – but do you have any THEORY to back it up?

The answer is ‘yes’. But sometimes I don’t tell them that. I simply smile enigmatically, for a very, very long time. That way they think I’m hiding something, and I hate them for thinking that.

I’m NOTHING if not transparent. But am I SOMETHING if I am transparent? This is one of life’s questions.

OK, let’s get down to the brass knuckles of HYWTH theory.

Social Energy

This is a theory I have come up with all by myself. Many scientists and experts rely on research and study of other peoples’ work to invent their theories, but I think of this approach as CHEATING.

Consider this scenario. You walk into a social gathering. This could be a party, a memorial service, or even an event. Before anyone has said a word, you spot a fellow human being, without any pause for thought, you realise that you hate them.

Now, I’m not talking about someone you recognise – not an ex-partner, or a sporting rival, or your former high school principal Kevin Tutt. You may well hate these people, but they’re not the ones I’m concerned with. For now.

No, I’m talking about a complete stranger. We’ve all done it. If you haven’t, you’re lying, and I hate you. There might be something about their appearance or mannerisms that annoys you, but if you had to justify your complete and utter hatred for them in words, you’d be stumped.

This is because what you are experiencing is the undeniable proof of the existence of Social Energy, or Socergy.

Socergy is a mysterious but real phenomenon. It can’t be explained away with logic, like many other things. Facts don’t support it, but it is the truth. If you’re a fan of the Bible, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Socergy is a natural force that is present whenever two or more human persons gather. It can take the form of sexual lust – ‘love at first sight’ – or, more commonly, it is composed of hatred and bile.

The reason Socergy is so pervasive is because it is self-generating. Its power comes from the mucous and acid in our stomachs, and unless it is directed outwards, it can cause a person to LITERALLY explode. Scientists call this ‘spontaneous human combustion’, and those idiots are baffled by it.

But there’s no reason for bafflement, because I have just explained it to you.

So don’t be ashamed. These feelings are natural. But make sure you keep reading, or you may never learn the secrets of harnessing Socergy to your own ends, and unleashing its AWESOME POWER to bring you success, and – yes – HAPPINESS.

Remember, hate is all around you.

Anthony

A case study!

2006-07-31T14:38:00.000+01:00

Hey – here’s a case study!

Travis, a young man, recently contacted me to let me know just HOW MUCH the Hate Your Way To Happiness programme had helped him and his miserable existence.
Travis is his REAL NAME – he’s not ashamed! This is what he said:

“Dear Anthony

Thanks so much for introducing me to HYWTH! It has changed my life, and for the better, which is a real bonus.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I am a genuine 27-year-old male person. I like many of the things other genuine 27-year-old males like, such as females aged 18-35, sports, television, good food, and socialising. Nothing out of the ordinary, right? Right!

Except.

Yeah, except. Except for the fact that I had an enormous black hole at the core of my being, filled with nothing but pure, undiluted disappointment.
It was a hole that threatened to dwarf my entire body. That’s how big it was! (Note: I am of above average height.)

No matter what I did, it seemed nothing could fill this gaping chasm/yawning void. And believe me, I tried a lot of things. Here is a list of some of them:

1. Yoga
2. ‘Extreme’ sports
3. Sexual orgies
4. Non-sexual orgies
5. Buddhism
6. Social work
7. Self esteem ‘gymnastics’
8. Hypnotism
9. Learning a musical instrument
10. Christianity
11. Satanism
12. Martial arts
13. Marital arts
14. Art
15. Numerous dodgy ‘popular’ self-help courses

These are just 15 of the things I tried. There are others, also! (Contact me for a full list.)

Needless to say, they were all utterly useless. I’d almost given up hope, when a friend* suggested I try to ‘Hate my Way To Happiness’!

Initially, I was sceptical. Hey, who wouldn’t have misgivings about a programme that is so radical, so revolutionary, that it has been mocked, derided and discredited by the great majority of so-called experts in psychology and personal well being around the world?

But then I thought, hey, what the fuck do those fucking quack bastards know anyway?

So I gave it a shot. And even after simply taking the first step – acknowledging my own self-hatred and burying it deep within me – a profound change had taken place.

I realised that the cause of the black hole engulfing my above average height frame/soul was optimism. Optimism, ambition, and high expectations.

Those cancerous feelings were eating away at my metaphorical guts – and I realised that if I filled that space up with hate, I need never be disappointed again! I could apportion blame at will, transferring my feelings outwards, onto external sources!

Now, I never expect a result to fall my way. Why would it? The people and organisations out there that hate me, just as I hate them, are conspiring against me. It’s a weird feeling of release that I can only compare to that peculiar mindset most people associate with English sports fans. And do you know something?

It liberated me!

So thank you, Anthony. Thank you from the bottom of my hate-filled heart. You have changed my life (for the better, as previously noted).

Yours in hate

Trevor (27)

PS. Please feel free to use this personal correspondence for promotional purposes as you see fit.”

So there you have it – it worked for Trevor, and it could work for you too!

Keep the hate alive

Anthony

The Greatest Hate of All!

2006-07-24T14:29:00.000+01:00

Hello again.

This week I’d like to introduce you to the first step in Hating Your Way to Happiness! It’s simple – but it’s very important.

Take a moment and think. Who is the most hateful, moronic, irritating, asinine person you know?

That’s right – it’s you! And it’s me! It’s each and every one of us. But, assuming you are reading this alone, it’s you.

Recognising your own essential hatefulness is a key element in hating your way to happiness. Hating yourself is loathing with someone you love to hate!

And the easiest way to begin your journey of self-hatred is by picking out something you hate about yourself. Isolate it. Don’t let it talk to its friends, or family. Let it fester.

A Simple Exercise

1. Think about your body. Consider it. And ask yourself this: What is one, single, solitary aspect of my physical self that I simply cannot stand?

I chose the dark circles under my eyes.

2. Think, really think, about why you hate this physical feature. Come up with some reasons.

For example, I hate the dark circles under my eyes because they make me look tired. But they don’t make me look tired in a glamorous, rock and roll, excessive lifestyle kind of way. They make me look tired in a ‘stayed up late because he couldn’t stand the idea of a sleep filled with dreams of inadequacy and social isolation being the only barrier between the dark of night and another soul-deadening, life-depleting day at work’ kind of way. I hate those dark circles because they articulate to the world my own lethargy and stunted ambition, my surrender to a world that doesn’t care I exist.
I also hate them because they make me look a bit like Jon English, star of Australian Play School and mediocre sitcoms.

Now do the same for yourself!

3. Write down your feelings about this physical aspect of yourself that you hate. Write them down in detail. Pour your heart out.

4. Memorise what you have written.

5. You now have two choices. Either hide what you have written in a place no one else will ever find it; or destroy it completely. Do NOT put these thoughts on a web page or ‘blog’. Although these are rarely read by anyone other than yourself, the chance is still there that someone may stumble across it!

6. Most IMPORTANTLY of all: never, ever, EVER ‘learn to love’ or accept what you hate about your body. And do not try to change it.

Hate it.

People need continuity. They need a reference point. An unchanging source of uncomfortable consistency. In future, you will find this inner hatred an invaluable tool when it comes to projecting your hatred outwards. It will be your reserve well of bile.

Be bigoted about yourself!

7. Choose an aspect of your personality you dislike. Repeat steps 1 to 6.

There. Now you’re on your way to happiness!

In the words of noted troubadour John ‘Cougar’ Melancholy [a small joke – his name is actually ‘Mellencamp’]: It hurts so good!

Later, haters!

Anthony

Welcome to HYWTH!

2006-07-16T14:12:00.000+01:00

Hello, and welcome to the first in a regular series of articles designed to help you ‘Hate Your Way to Happiness!’
Many people find that life is difficult, and while the great majority of these folks are whinging, workshy layabouts, some genuinely decent ladies and gents feel that the pressures of everyday living are just about too much for them.
These might not be the attention-hungry media whores who throw themselves in front of trains, delaying the reasonable commuter’s journey to his or her place of work; and they might not be the deluded souls who feel that self-mutilation is the key to personal growth.

Nope, these are ordinary people. Ordinary people like you or I. And I’m here to help you, just as I’ve helped myself.

Over the course of these articles I intend to espouse to you my theories of social energy, negative social energy, and positive negative social energy. As you can see, I am unafraid of oxymorons. After all, a moron without an ox is just a moron, right? Right!

Seriously, though, what I have come to learn in the course of my research is that ‘hate’ can be harnessed to help you in your own life. Hate doesn’t have to be frowned upon - that’s just the sort of insane thinking that millions of years of social evolution has fooled us into believing! Don’t go with the pack - go with the herd. The Hate Your Way to Happiness herd!

Remember when Johnny Lydon from the pop group Public Image Pty Ltd said “Anger is an energy”? Well, he was onto something! (He was slightly off-track, however, when he predicted that in future ‘roads’ would assist us by ‘rising up’, instead of forcing us to use our legs in the primitive walking-style to which we’re still shackled. Keep tinkering, Johnny! We think you’re A-OK!)

Over the coming weeks and months I’m going to demonstrate to you that active loathing can be as useful to your own personal welfare as eating a fibre-rich breakfast and avoiding warzones. But possibly not as useful as avoiding Boyzone! [Former Irish boy band.] Just kidding - it’s much more useful than that!

So settle back, relax, and accept the hate into your life. I’ll be sending you all these useful and life-enriching newsletters on a regular basis, but if you’d prefer not to receive them - and more fool you, if that’s the case! - then just drop me a note and I’ll bugger you right off my mailing list.

Alternately, have a look at www.hateyourwaytohappiness.blogspot.com. I’ll be posting the latest articles up there, just as soon as I’ve mailed them out to you. And if you think a friend would be interested, why not forward this message onto them? They’ll thank you!

Anyway - until next time
Keep up the hate!

Anthony